Hey Ladies. It’s Halloween. Lets dress like streetwalkers.
When did that lil bow peep costume go from adorable to absolute whore? Maybe it’s because I’m getting ancient—having already gone through one quarter-life crisis, two Bush presidencies and a handful of dial-up connections… but I swear there was a time when Halloween wasn’t about who could look the sluttiest. Remember when your mom helped you put together a costume? When you began planning that perfect Ninja Turtle in August? That pure joy you felt when you dumped your candy out and realized you would be drenched in sugar for days?
Maybe it’s because I still hold these innocent memories dear to my heart that I can’t find it in me to dress up like a Dirty Dorothy. Halloween is about being creative, right? It is our chance to show what we’ve got. It’s when we can bring legit originality out to play and not even feel like a fool about it. It’s that special time of year—that may last as long as two weekends—when we can shed some light on our dark desires. Instead of just getting high and pondering crazy kooky ideas you can actually bring them to life.
So why do so many girls dress like they want to be objectified when they could be crazy, funny and innovative? For instance, this year I decided to dress up as a Hasidic Jew and topped that off with a fresh Hitler stache’. I started out with the best intentions of being a rabbi, which with a bottle of cheap champagne turned into this slightly darker (maybe a bit offensive) beast. But at least I didn’t go to Fredricks of Hollywood and buy the only thing that covered up some of my butt dimples (wanna leave a few of those showing of course).
And the best part about doing the Hitler-Jew thing? That open bar party, you know the one jammed with dudes waiting for ages to get a drink… well I got a hell of a lot of man-tention there. Maybe Lil Bow Peep-Show did too, but she probably had those 40-y.o. creepers copping a feel when she bent down to fetch her soiled staff. I was meeting those people who were completely shocked at first, jaws dropping and then laughing their asses off. Oneguy, probably a Mitt-supporter, gave me a dirty look and said “reeeally”? Okay dude, mission accomplished. At least I got to offend someone.
I was that gal in line to for the bathroom that everyone wanted to chat with because,wtf mate—I had the balls to be a Hasidic Hitler. But really, the greatest thing was how many gorgeous guys just wanted to talk and flirt because oh my—I was funny, creative and a bit on the bold side. Did it matter that I was wearing a creepy 90s blazer with leather accents, those Jew curls and that little Adolf mustache? Nope. I had it goin on, baby.
Everyone has a unique idea of Halloween. Maybe you were too lazy to put together a costume. Or it was a busy weekend preparing for Sandy and you just wanted to brush off that old hooker suit and boots one more time. Perhaps you thought the easiest way to get laid was by looking like you charged money for it. Fine—you’re prerogative. But it seems to me like the boys are having more fun with this holiday. I know the ladies got the funnies too. I think it’s time to show that comedy off a little bit more and revealless midriff.
I’m not sure if next year I will be able to top this Halloween’sabsurdity… probably not. I don’t think the world is ready for some Osama Mama of sorts. But I know that if I do Halloween then I’m gonna do it well. I will channel that outrageous Polly and Crackers feeling and make it redic. And you should give it a try too, Bow Peep!