7 reasons why Christmas sucks

1) Christmas cookies = instant diarrhea

2) Masturbating is no longer fun and now incredibly awkward now that you’re in your old home.

3) You end up spending tons of money and getting useless crap in return. The world is filled with even more waste, and now you have even more errands to do. (Returning everything in exchange for money)

4) The repetitive music can make anyone go clinically insane. Even beta blockers won’t help.

5) The Christmas “message” never changes: A woman secretly gets knocked up and craps out a boy. Everyone celebrates and gives him presents and gold. Where’s my gold in honor of premarital sex?

6) Booze will make you feel temporarily happy on Xmas eve.. but then you feel like beefing all across the tree the following morning.

7) You can’t smoke weed morning, day, and night because you’re constantly at church or around babies.

Why Christmas doesn’t suck:
Friends and family have become morbidly obese, uglier, or have gotten awful plastic surgery. You now feel 5% better about yourself.

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